The other day, as we were driving home from Vegas, I was able to "really" talk to my mom... It has been a LONG time since I have opened up about my life and how things have turned out...
For many of those who don't know me...I make goals and set plans...if anything falls off my "course," I get super stressed out...and feel LOST...
It all started when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. He wasn't in our "plans"...YET! My life became discombobulated...then after having my daughter, who 13 months and 4 days younger than my son...my life was really turned upside down.
I didn't do ANYTHING for 8 months..I was confined to my house. It was so hard to take to little ones out without help. My life came to a complete stop...
I wasn't "ME" anymore...
I couldn't lose my baby weight...my marriage was falling a part {we were both stressed and my unhappiness was destroying us}...my children were always emotional...I was losing my friends b/c I was constantly blowing them off...
...I didn't know where to go, who to talk to or what to do??? I wanted OUT of my LIFE...
My parents and sisters were concerned that I was unhappy, but I couldn't explain to them what I was going through... until my mom began to open up about what she had gone through after she had my twin and I...
My mom had my older brother, my sister and my twin and I by the time she was 33. I am 17 months younger than my sister and 6 years younger than my brother. My mom has told me many times how hard her life was having my sisters and I so close with NO help. I never understood what she went through until I started experiencing the same things...except for the fact that my sister and mom have helped me out so much without me asking...
She proceeded to tell me how God became her all...and how she had to learn to be content where God had placed her. She would constantly be in the Word and on her hands and knees asking God to guide her {even though the stress was making her sick}...and would daily ask God to make her the best wife, mother and music director that she HE wanted her to be...
I never knew that I would be in that same place today. I NEVER thought that I would have two kids, with one on the way, and be at home with them... I know that there are so many women who want this, but I wasn't one of those women. I have been trying so hard to get out of this place...I don't like being here at all, but this is where GOD has "placed" me...
No matter how hard I try to force "my will" into my life, the more depressed and frantic I become...and the harder it is on my family, especially on my young children.
There is no other place I would rather be, than in God's hands...
I am learning to be CONTENT in all I do...I am going to be the BEST woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that I can be...I want to give my husband and children the BEST life that I can give. I am learning to except the path that HE has given me
3 comments:
It took me about 3 years of motherhood to grieve loosing "myself". Kids take and take. I finally learned that it is alright for me to take time by myself and I set up times every week. Sometimes all I would do is walk, zoned, around a store, but that's what I needed to do and I would come home a better mother and wife. Even as I am writing this, my son keeps asking me over and over if he can have a pet monkey. "No Luke, no...stop climbing on me!":). I also find inspiration for motherhood here...http://stephanierausser.com. It helps me see the moments that I am taking for granted.
Anna....I am loving your blogging. I must admit, I felt so much of the same at the same time and I wished that you could have shared with me your heart. But I totally get trying to survive in the moment when things are hard. I love you and so enjoy your sense of humor and who God has made you! Keep writing I love your vulnerability!!
Kathleen
Sometimes the path that you make for yourself take a little detour. And sometimes that detour you wished didn't take but there you are having to deal with it. Raising Kids are hards and yes they do take & take but that's what being a parent is all about. Raising them to be great kids...then young adults to an adult. I'm not a SAHM type of girl as I've always been a work-a-holic and NEVER enjoyed cleaning nor cooking. But here I am having to do it...yeah, the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be...yeah, we don't always have good food to eat but it is what it is. As long as that the kids are fed, & taken care of, then we are in a good place. I try to make sure to have play dates for the kids so I am not stuck at home with them everyday. Chloe has Pre-school so that's her outlet for 3 hours while it's just me & Callie. On the days that Chloe doesn't have Pre-school, I make sure to set up playdates w/ my other Mommy friends. It's important to get out of the house with your kids. It's also important to have some ME time. I go out for coffee w/ my friends...we go to Happy Hour and my husband & I are just starting to have Date nights. It's hard for us since we don't have any family help at all but have been very blessed to have find many great Mommy friends. Why don't you try meetup.com in your area. I went through 5 groups & finally found one that best suits me & my girls...and where I have found many of my great Mommy friends. Sometimes you just have to look at your life & try to be positive about it. Just remember, these kids will not stay young forever...next thing you'll know, you are sending them all to school every single day for the whole day...crazy how that is! I don't enjoy taking meds but I am taking one for anti-depressant. I'm taking Zoloft and I can see the dynamic change in me if I don't take it for a week. My husband can see it right away if I don't take it in 2 days. Maybe you might need to take some anti-depressant to help you sort through. There's nothing wrong w/ seeking help. I did it to save myself, my kids & marriage. Seeing a therepist might help too...just putting all the choices out there. God wouldn't think ill of you if you find help some other way.
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